I have been struggling with Depression.

Never Again

Hi.

I am writing this before I head off to work.

I slept badly again. I didn’t get to sleep until around Midnight and I woke up – wide awake – at around 5am. That’s not nearly enough sleep for someone who is burned out with adrenal fatigue. If I could just get a good night’s sleep, or a few in a row, it would help massively.

While at work yesterday, I couldn’t have felt any worse. I had also got a bad night of sleep the night before. So I emailed my HR contact and basically said I can’t do the job anymore – at least not full time. I didn’t care anymore what would happen to me, because I was at breaking point. I kind of wanted them to tell me to go home and not worry about coming in again.

I started this job just 7 weeks ago and have struggled to cope with the pace. It’s ridiculously busy, with emails constantly pouring in throughout the day, the phone ringing intermittently and various files to follow up on urgently. The role is car insurance and my stress is worsened when I spend much of my time sitting on hold to other insurers (I literally can be on the phone for an hour waiting for someone to answer) and it is impossible to catch up.

Everyone else in my team is in the same position, but they care more about the job than me. They have ambition around Insurance. Some of them have studied or taken exams and want to make it a career. I am not like them.

The rest of my team seem in no rush to leave at the end of the day. When it hits 5pm, I am ready to get the fuck out of there. I am spent. The noise and the stressful environment have taken their toll, and I am weak. Throw in the lack of sleep and subsequent lack of energy and it’s a recipe for disaster. Often my colleagues stay to work over-time. I turn down the offer any time I am asked.

The stress of the job has been creating a lot of anxiety for me and is the reason I can’t rest well at night. So I needed to speak to the lady in HR.

Instead of 9-5, I will now be working 10-4 (5 days a week). While this is an improvement and will help me, I will be losing money each month and I will still have an insane workload, because the company doesn’t want to pay more money for new staff. But fuck it. I don’t care anymore. That’s their problem. If I can’t do all the work, despite pushing myself to the max, it’s not my issue.

I still need to get out of this place, because I have been doing insurance for a few years and I’m completely sick and tired of it.

No wonder my health seems at an all time low.

I walk around like a zombie, wondering why I shouldn’t just give up entirely and end my misery …

But that’s no way to think. When you die, it’s over for good. I feel inspired to do whatever I must to leave this industry. As a HSP and INFJ, I need purpose. I have a lot of passion in life – about injustice, animal welfare and fighting the bullshit we call normal and acceptable. I need to center my career around something I care about.

I was looking briefly at Open University courses, but on a part-time basis they take 6 years to complete. I would be 32 when I was done if I started the course now. I’m not sure I have the patience to wait 6 years to live my life.

So I still have no idea what I am going to do. This life can be very testing for those like myself who don’t just want to fill a spot and work for money. We spend most of our lives at work, so if we had our jobs we need to change them.

I would love to hear from you. I am sorry I haven’t posted much in the last week or so. I hope I feel stronger soon.

Thank FUCK it’s Friday!

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27 thoughts on “I have been struggling with Depression.

  1. Doing the wrong job is soul destroying. Maybe take a pay cut and go start work at the bottom of a new career?Being frugal,as long as you can just pay your bills,sounds less stressful. I did it (work in social care) and I have never looked back despite everyone I grew up with earning more than me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree that as an HSP (ISFJ myself), doing something you hate can definitely take a toll on you. Especially since we tend to feel things so deeply. It’s no wonder you are stressed and having trouble sleeping. Going to school may take six years, but in the long run it may be worth it. And nothing says you can’t find something that interests you or that you enjoy to do while you’re going to school. Life is too short to spend it miserable and doing something you hate. Good luck. Hope today is a better day!!

    Richard

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I just discovered your blog recently. Thanks for being so honest. I’ve had depression and anxiety too. It gets better! I’ve had shitty jobs too. It will get better! Now I’m a counselor and I love it. Keep dreaming, life will get better. πŸ™‚ it’s hard for us sensitive people, but the world needs more people like us.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I have been a counselor for 10 years. I have a Master’s in Counseling. My program was 60 credits. I hope you find the career that’s right for you. Other people can say “it’s just a job” but for highly sensitive people, we have to do something that is meaningful for us. Best wishes to you! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad to hear you are taking a shorter shift – I think that will be very beneficial as health is far, far more important. As someone who is a university drop out, I know that it is possible to do anything you set your mind to – it really is! Despite what others may say – I know that us INFJ and HSP’s crave doing something we really care about. Life is short, so we might as well strive to do something we will enjoy πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Here’s the thing. If you are truly unhappy, you need to change direction in your life. If that means going to college for something different, then for your own sake, the longer you hang around waiting , the longer it will take to get started! I was an RN with no Bachelors degree and 2 little girls but I wanted to teach nursing. I went back to school at 32. I started a Masters at 38. I loved the journey as much as anything because finally, I followed my heart and did what I LOVED!!!! Life is short. My goals were met. I did lots of job juggling but always kept my eye on the dream.
    As a woman of 65, I now do mentoring and nursing advocacy.
    The key to happiness for we HSP INFJ types, lies in developing a sense of our own self, and honoring our gifts . This does not however give one a free pass to life. It requires work to achieve your goal. Once you identify what your goal is, let nothing stop you. Education, by the way, does not end when they hand you the piece of paper, LOL!!! I learn fun and cool new things every day. I refuse to allow life to bring me down. I wish you so much good in your life. You write well. Clearly you have intelligence and soul. May you use those gifts for the good of others!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. There is something awful about being upper 20 something. I watched all of my sons going through this feeling of desperation, feeling they should be so much farther along by that point. I recently told one of them that life rarely works that way, that even those people who seem to have it all together by the time they reach the same age often end up thrown into mid life crisis by aged 40. In my opinion they may be waylaying that awful phase altogether by postponing the rut of “getting there” and becoming bored with it. You will find your way. Take some time to invest on what you want to do, 32 is not old. Unless, of course, you are implying that I am, because I am way older than that. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Have you ever thought of becoming a life coach? I’m a therapist and being in private practice — doing one-on-one work — is an amazing environment for an HSP/INFJ (like me!). I used to work at a few different places like this job you’ve described, and I was absolutely miserable. I would cry when I got home and I had to do anything at all before going to bed, including mundane things like dishes or cleaning the cat box. Being in the right environment is SO important for you! The way you write tells me you are thoughtful, self-reflective, and intelligent. You’ll find that magical job and you’ll make it work somehow. Don’t give up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there Lizzie!

      I have actually given it some thought before. I used to think I would need to have everything together before giving advice to people, but use INFJs have a very good understanding of people’s emotions and needs.

      I do know I will remain miserable until I get out and start doing my own thing.

      Any tips for getting on the right path? P.S. I just posted something new about being an INFJ.

      Peace x

      Like

      1. I’d look into different wellness coaching programs. I heard Dr. Sears Wellness Institute is a good one. Or if you have any experience with substance abuse recovery, becoming a certified peer counselor is relatively quick and cheap. Doing something along those lines will help you feel competent enough to offer information and support to others. You could go the school route but that takes a lot more time and money! Sometimes I question whether getting a doctorate was worth the debt I’ll have for many years to come (because CA is so competitive, I can’t charge as much as I’d need to in order to pay it off in a reasonable amount of time). Anyway, feel free to follow up with any questions! I’m happy to help a fellow HSP advocate out. Check out my website for resources, too.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi there!

    Hang in there. You would be surprised the effect that having depleted energy can have on your moods, even when you DO get enough sleep.

    Insurance jobs can be very demanding, especially on HSPs and INFJs. I used to feel quite similarly (leaving as soon as the clock struck 5 – or 7:30 as I had later hours) and my health was affected.

    Since changing jobs, even though I am busier (I am also studying outside of work) I feel that I have more energy and am much happier.

    I agree with the others that one-on-one and more solitary jobs are much better suited to us HSP/INFJs.

    I wish you all the best and hope that your outlook improves. πŸ™‚

    J

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for the comment.

      Having dropped my hours, it’s still insanely hard on me.

      Those hours are crammed with non-stop calls, emails and chasing people.

      What is it you do now?
      And what are you studying?

      I am looking into courses but don’t know the best way forward.

      Any advice is appreciated! x

      Like

      1. Any time! πŸ™‚

        I found that it wasn’t so much the time at work that was exhausting, but the work itself. I worked in a Contact Centre, being an “Insurance Helpdesk” for a major bank here. Frankly, was a nightmare…

        The job, the culture, everything was in direct opposition to everything that suits my personality.

        At the moment I am an Accounting Officer for the government. We all work on our things in our pods, so people are super quiet for the most part.

        As for the study, I am almost finished my law degree. I have four topics left after this semester. I have done quite some internships in different areas, and it seems like the perfect mix of social and anti-social.

        I decided when I was about 19 what I wanted to do, so it has just been a continuation. Something that I have found helpful, especially recently in trying to decide where to from here, is that I have been listing more abstract things that I want from my work and then finding something that fits in with that.

        For example, I want to travel, so I need work that will allow that. Or, I want to work somewhere with a good reputation, and things around how it should feel and that I want to be able to work autonomously, but also be adequately supported. It has certainly helped set me on a path.

        Also, if studying is involved, you want it to be something that you’re passionate about because it takes a lot of dedication to study as an adult.

        I will say, though, one thing that has helped me the most is not getting caught up in linear timeframes or social expectations of when things should be done or how. Life doesn’t begin at the end of your course, it is happening now, so whatever you do, make sure that you find something to enjoy about it, or something to take away from it.

        πŸ™‚

        Like

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