Today is World Health Day.
Once again, it has been a while since I posted on this blog.
I am feeling really stuck now. I left a job that was never going to be right for me last week, but I’m scared for the future. Sometimes, it hits me so hard… that I’m almost 27.
I feel like I should still be a teenager, like I have never matured. I also feel very old.
And this mental health stuff isn’t pretty sometimes. I can go to some really dark places, where suicide starts to look very appealing. I went back to Badminton last night – I used to play weekly a few years ago. Running around on the courts, I still felt just as I did back then – Dizzy, self-conscious, depersonalized. Seeing a lack of progress like that hits me hard.
When you have wasted so much time feeling depressed and down in the gutter, it’s really hard to turn things around. I see some of the people I knew from School settled in a good career – every piece of their education and work seemingly shaping them into the person they are now.
For me, I have spent such a long time not believing in myself – and doing jobs that I knew were not right for me – and now it’s really hard to start over. It’s hard to get back into the education system after such a long time out. It’s hard to know whether it’s still worth the effort, or what course of action to take.
I guess I just feel embarrassed by the state of my life.
I look back at my work experience and have no pride whatsoever. I feel empty, despite having a great girlfriend and family that try their best by me.
Spending all day by myself, with these thoughts, is like a slow torture. It paralyses me into non-action. I really want to change my life, but without knowing what to do I end up not really doing anything at all.
I feel like I’ve been hanging onto the bottom of a rope. But I am not going to let go. It’s going to be one hell of a climb if I’m to ever turn my life around, but I can’t just quit.
I need to keep patient, because the change required will never happen over night. I also need to be kinder to myself. I didn’t deliberately end up depressed and lonely, without many friends. I am trying my best and I have stopped doing many things that I know aren’t good for my situation.
I feel a bit better for writing this.